I don't hate you. Or rather i no longer do. Neither do i hate her. I was resentful but i realised it was all a mistake on my part. To have mistaken a burning passion for the view of the future. This knot was to be untied. But everytime i realise that this knot is about to be undone, i will hear your resentment. There are things that i treasure. I was just afraid that the stuff i treasure might just become trash to you. So time and again i tell you not to throw this and that, not to delete this and that. I once told you that i will never throw anything that my exes have written to me or given to me or that things that we've shared. But you also once told me that you would throw such stuff away. I'm not sure if you will treat our stuff differently from the ones the previous has given you. I would like to tell myself that i once had the love i wanted from all my exes and enjoy this feeling and maybe live in it again when i feel down. Please try to understand that i had lost alot of my past. I don't wish to start losing them again when i am just about to get as much back as possible.
YS said no one will be thankful like this like me. But i am thankful. Thankful that you left. That you left like that. You helped me see that my friends are still where they are. That they still care very much about me. You even helped me see friends whom i had never thot would be my friends. I really mean what i say. You had helped me grow.
The past is already in the past. I had forgotten all the resentment i had and the things i had said out of resentment. I hope you too will forget what i had said in the past. I was upset and angry in the past. But now i am happy. =)
Countless times.
Being cheap, forgiving, accomodating. If you love someone, you'll be forgiving towards her/his actions and maybe even accomodate her/his unacceptable actions. But if things were to end abruptly?? Maybe one would think that (s)he was being cheap.
Maybe i should give a senario. Man, as in humans in general, tend to want to look for someone else to take care of and make life slightly difficult for themselves when the one they are with is constantly forgiving them and accomodating. In the end maybe even think that they are in love with the other. Get what i mean? Infatuation i would rather see it as. OR, another way of looking at it would be that the victim involved here feels that she has gone below her just to please the other.
Countless people tell me that i deserve better. That it is the other's loss to lose me. That i don't need the other person. That i will be better off being alone and pampering myself. I have heard this countless times over the last 5yrs. My colleague once told me that the harsh reality is that no papers were signed and thus no one will be held responsible for the break ups. That no one can say that you had let me down and betrayed me. But if you had been good all along, then at the end of the day, you will still be the perfect one but the other party is no longer perfect.
Have you ever seen that smile on your ex face that looks so familiar? That it had been a smile that you had seen before but yet right now that smile doesn't "belong" to you anymore? I made a wrong step years ago. There's no undoing of it. Tho something is not wrong until you deem it so. But hear the words that you speak to others. It is a word of comfort if your friends tell you that you were just unlucky to meet such a person to play out on you. But if it comes from the one that you loved. That you still feel for. It shatters whatever little of the world that is left to bits.
Have you ever felt that your heart was thrown out into the open ocean and left to sink into the deepest depths? Have you ever slept with someone who no longer has interest in your life for almost 6mths or even a year? Have you ever been played out by your best friend and be seen as the one who refused to let go? Have you ever been used like a tool by your partners? Have you ever been so hurt that you never really loved and left each relationship so that you won't get hurt? Have you ever open your heart out to someone only to realise that she will be the one who'll rub salt into the old wounds? And that these wounds don't seem to heal no matter what you do and everyday, you relive the hurt from these wounds? If you had never been hurt, you would never understand the way i feel. I had been through so much. So much that my friends worry for me. There is only so much a person can take. I'm broken and you have achieved what you wanted.
To OT: i thought i knew how you would have felt back then all along. But only now do i really understand how it feels. Wish i could walk out of this like you and Nikki had.
To YS: What would i do if you really leave in Oct and i had not recovered? I wish to recover but i just dunno when i will.
To WD: I will never allow anyone to hurt any of my friends. All the more my exes who become my friends. Therefore you had better get into a local U and spare her the hurt of seeing you leave. We all know that long distance relationships don't work out. But this does not mean that i had accepted you
as yet. Tho Karen might say that you don't need me to accept you.
To BBKYQ: You once said that it feels very nice when all your friends and family acknowledged my existance. I hope that hasn't changed. Please note that i did mention "as yet". I had accepted and forgiven before. So for you it will not be any different. Just a matter of time.
To myself: This minute will be the last day to being someone's ex. I had survived before and i will survive this. My flaw is my impatience and so is my strength.
-iWrote 4/22/2005 09:41:00 AM
1 week...It's been a week since i regained my status of a single womyn. Life hadn't been easy. Fallen ill. Hadn't fully recovered. Lots of back log at work. Even the one i hold dear seems to be so vague. But i am glad to have my friends around me. Even though i had neglected them from time to time. Especially YS. She cares not because she's just a friend. She understands what it feels like to have tried so hard but yet lose everything in the end. And maybe we share similar ideas or preconceptions about certain things.
Recently i've been thinking about all the relationships that i had. Whenever i really love or like that person, we'll never have a fairy tale ending. Whereas for those that i like but do not really love, they love me till the depths of the ocean. Somehow i just find that this is all a joke. Why can't i be left alone. To walk a peaceful and quiet life?? Must it be warth with agony and anguish from the day i was born?? Throughout my life, i had lost countless friends. One could have been my best friend. But i guess that's that. I still miss her tho. Wish one day i could call her on as a friend again.
I guess why my health is suffering right now is coz my heart is closed. I can't accept a certain few things and people. To these people, i sincerely offer my apologies and genuinely hope for them to give me time. During which, i might say things that are really nasty but i really don't mean them. I just need to protect myself. And the only way that i had learnt is to bite. Please forgive me. Allow me to apologise for all the nasty things i've said and might say in future.
I do have a quick way to heal from all these and might hurt 2 people in the process but i will definitely hurt one of them. I wish i knew what i should do. I don't wish to hurt anymore people. It's all too tiring coz it will all come back to me in the end.
Maybe quite a fair bit of people will be happy to see me in this state. Especially people that i have hurt. But i am thankful. Thankful for one of those whom i have hurt is offering me some comfort to my restless soul.
-iWrote 4/13/2005 04:38:00 PM
